How To Recognize A Master Of Manipulation

Manipulation fits perfectly with today’s world. People use power, the media, and interpersonal relationships to manipulate others. In fact, we encounter true masters of manipulation every day.

Manipulation is a form of emotional blackmail. Manipulators use certain behaviors to influence what other people think, feel and do without them realizing it. And the manipulator gets them exactly where he wants them.

And this is exactly the whole problem with manipulation: those secret behaviors that are not always recognized by the victim. Many people fall for it and eventually let the manipulator get away with it.

That’s why it’s so important that you learn how to spot the tactics used by manipulators. Below we describe seven ways you can recognize a master of manipulation.

1. They make you feel guilty and you don’t know why

Masters of manipulation rely on constant victimization. They probably have a ‘trauma asset’ or they have experienced something difficult in their life and always use this period to justify what they are doing wrong.

‘A difficult childhood’, ‘ungrateful children’, ‘no luck’ and other similar formulas are favorites. They show their emotional scars with a degree of pride  and will eventually even brag about it.

For example, if you complain about their lack of interest, they’ll say something like, “You’re mad at me for not being considerate, but I dealt with a father who abandoned me when I was three years old.” This puts you out of the game. Finally, if you were to criticize him now, after he brought in his intense trauma, you would be completely numb. This is all part of their game.

2. They subtly threaten you

Indirect threats are another common tactic that manipulators like to use. It has always been and always will be, whether it be big world leaders, petty tyrants in the house or the ever expert advertising agencies. This tactic involves foreseeing the worst outcome as a result of your behavior.

“If you keep eating like this, you’ll look like a whale in six months.” They don’t want you to eat and I’m sure they have some medical argument to back up what they say; they simply don’t want you to behave that way. Maybe they can’t stand seeing how happy you are when you eat ice cream or maybe they think you’re spending too much money on food. But they don’t say it directly, they just warn you of an impending disaster.

3. They devalue what you do through sarcasm

If there’s one thing manipulators hate, it’s direct communication. They won’t even call you a dog, but they will offer you a bone. They use sarcasm to ridicule you or minimize the value of your thoughts, feelings, or actions. Manipulators want others to feel insecure and inferior.

An example of this is when they supposedly send you a friendly message, but when you read between the lines you discover that the content is actually quite aggressive. “If you read a little more, you might have some more cultured friends,” translates as “You’re uneducated and your friends are poor wretches.”

Sometimes victims of manipulation begin to believe that these kinds of evaluations are a way to help them be better people. But nothing is less true. When someone wants to help another, he uses direct and sincere communication. And he does not put others down, but offers them concrete advice.

4. They are almost always charmers

Manipulators generally know that you have to stroke the horse before you sit on it. They usually start by pretending to be nice and very pleasant. They will flatter you and try to show you that they have good taste, that their conversations are oh so entertaining and that they care deeply about your expectations.

This is the first step. With the second step, things change. Once they convince you of what a great person they are, they will start trying to manipulate you with all their charms.

They weave a web of temptation around you and you are unable to evaluate things objectively. You see what they do through rose-colored glasses and even if you occasionally have your doubts, the manipulator will always find a way to remind you that you can’t possibly think badly about someone so wonderful.

5. They are the self-appointed judges who judge your life

Without even realizing how, the manipulator is suddenly a kind of ‘spiritual guide’ to your life. They are incredibly skilled at telling others how they should live, even if they don’t follow their own rules.

They give you advice and quote great philosophical maxims. They tell you what to do, step by step. If it doesn’t, then they blame you. Surely they told you what to do and you chose not to take their advice literally, advice they gave you so generously.

6. They are good at talking and changing the subject

Masters of manipulation are often also extremely adept at the art of language. They use flowery and fluid language and always have a surprising and witty argument up their sleeve, even if it is based on lies.

If they make fun of you by saying, for example, ‘You look like a penguin in that dress’ and you find this annoying, they will then say ‘Sorry, I didn’t know you could take a joke that bad’. It’s a win-win situation for them. They are masters at making fun of people.

If you confront them, they probably won’t respond. They’ll divert the conversation by changing the subject and before you know it they’ll be talking about things that have nothing to do with what they said to you in the first place.

7. They are only too happy to put the blame on you

They will break a glass and you will eventually pay for it and apologize.

A classic example of this is a man whose wife catches him cheating. When the woman pulls out the motel room bill she found in one of his pockets, the gentleman gets angry and yells at her for spying on him and snooping through his personal items. And then, of course, he starts a long rant about the importance of trust in a relationship and how partners should respect each other’s space. In the end, the woman feels so guilty that she asks for forgiveness for her “controlling behavior” and the topic of cheating will eventually be dismissed as a misunderstanding she should never have brought up.

–Images courtesy of Art PK, Holly Clifton-Brown–