What Does It Mean To Really Understand Someone?

Really understanding other people is the foundation of empathy. Authentic respect is only possible if you make an effort to connect with another person and understand their life, needs and emotions.

In fact, authentic respect allows you to interact with other people. If you understand someone else and have empathy for this person, you also believe that person deserves attention and appreciation.

Just think about it for a second. Imagine a world where people acted as if they were living in an anthill. Every person has a purpose and every member of the community does their job without ambitions or other motivations.

Nobody cares about anyone else. Mutual understanding does not exist. As a result, there is also no empathy, as are all the emotions that encourage attention, care, friendship and altruism.

Without these processes, humanity as we know it does not exist. Yes, conflict and adversity are also human conditions. However, no mental and emotional process is more important to interact with than knowing how to really understand someone. Ironically, this is also one of the hardest things for us to do.

When you really understand another, you do so in a very concrete way, willingly and without judgment. Today we are going to take a closer look at what it means to be an understanding person.

Knowing how to really understand someone

Feeling misunderstood is very frustrating. You probably started experiencing this upsetting feeling during your childhood, when your parents, siblings, friends or teachers didn’t understand what you were going through. When you feel misunderstood, you feel a mixture of anger and sadness. Those feelings don’t actually change when you’re an adult.

So the feeling of being misunderstood is one of the deepest and most painful emotions. If you’ve been through it, you may be much more motivated to be understanding and empathetic. You want to develop that skill, even if some people have let you down along the way. However, you have to do it right.

As Johann Wolfgang von Goethe once said, “A person hears only what he understands.” People often only connect with those who are easiest to understand and agree with their values, ideas, and thoughts.

On the other hand, it takes effort to understand someone else. It may even take courage. After all, understanding means discovering, accepting and connecting with someone who thinks differently from you.

Real understanding

If you really want to understand other people, it’s important to clarify an important detail. Understanding is not the same as understanding. People often get stuck with understanding. In other words, they focus on deciphering what the other is saying. They are aware of the message and its meaning, but nothing more.

Understanding involves a much deeper process. It’s not just about understanding the words someone is saying. Instead, it’s about using empathy to connect with the unique reality of the person in front of you. So you have to keep in mind that this process is incredibly active and complex.

If you want this process to be effective, you need to apply what psychologists call “theory of mind.” Theory of mind is the ability to infer other people’s mental states from thoughts, fears, desires, and intentions, among other things.

By doing so, you can understand why they behave in a certain way and even predict future behavior. Once you’ve digested all that information, you interpret that information so that you can act on it.

All these mechanisms come together in the mental act of understanding. However, it is important that you do not neglect the emotional aspect of understanding.

Understand before judging

In his books, Daniel Goleman talks a lot about the need to understand other people. He points out, however, that that doesn’t just mean you can guess what someone is thinking or feeling. It is not enough to simply be aware that someone is afraid or sad.

True understanding is not possible without a willing and interested heart. So the theory of mind is useless to emotional intelligence if your thoughts are elsewhere while the other person is talking to you. In addition to that will and the active feeling to open up to the other person and understand what someone is saying, there are other important factors:

• Active Listening: You must be receptive to other people without having ulterior motives. Active listening means really listening, not just waiting for the other person to stop talking so you can say your thing.
• Listening without judgment: Knowing how to understand another person means connecting to their reality without judgment, bias, or labels.

In short, the process of real understanding is very complex. Yet we can all put it into practice. Where there’s a will there’s a way.