Every Disappointment Is Eventually Forgotten (again)

Socially it is becoming increasingly difficult to really build on people, to be able to count on them unconditionally. After all, it takes a lot – emotionally – to continue to believe in certain feelings that, as long as they last, seem undeniable, but then suddenly disappear or remain. The price of (chronic) disappointment is disappointment. Especially because at some point you put your whole soul and bliss in the balance, expecting that someone will fill the other side, balance it, with their life and vibrancy.

To your own dismay – time and again – it turns out that things you thought would never change, do. The person you blindly trusted is – on second thought, in practice – by no means infallible, and our projections for the future are suddenly not as transparent and accurate as we had previously confidently predicted. The disillusionment, you now realize from within, is the direct result of those hitherto invisible blinders. It’s the aftermath of unrealistic anticipation: as if all the sparkle comes from others, and you forget your own—your own fire, spark, and flame.

Enthusiasm and confidence appear first

Over time you learn – from experience – that deceptions often come in plural form; either with the same people or with different ones. The degree of anti-climax also depends on the type of relationship and the seriousness of the situation. For example, there are setbacks that sting viciously, but do not break you – inwardly. While other downers hurt so much that they only leave enough room for an irrevocable goodbye.

For in reality we are rational, albeit emotional beings. The mind tests, and judges, our next step, but it is our affective receptivity, our capacity for empathy, our love and predilection, which determines its direction. That’s why we get excited when we meet new people. Based on our intuition, we decide whether or not to trust him or her. With a  ‘yes’ , we simultaneously construct – in and through our emotional imagination – all kinds of expectations, and desired scenarios, around this budding relationship.

As trust grows, so does the implicit reciprocity requirement. Reciprocity, or at least its promise, is the lubricant of social circles. In principle, we assume in such a network that the other will never (willfully) disappoint us, or fall short.

The potential disappointment

Whether you notice it immediately or not, often – one way or another – we slowly but surely lose our initial enthusiasm and confidence. If you have had to lick your wounds more than once, or if you have hit your head mercilessly hard, the prospect of another (emotional) blow frightens you in advance, and you are less and less motivated to stay it anyway. try.

When we seriously disappoint someone, or are disappointed ourselves, the bond breaks and the unspoken, mutual bond that held us together, and seemed so enduring. Moreover, the disappointed party often feels hurt and disoriented. Unfortunately, should the rift prove irreparable, you—both of you, not just the injured—begin a gradual “rehabilitation process,” of reconstructing your intrinsic self-esteem and your intersubjective values —depending on your particular personality, or character.

Through sobering setbacks and betrayal, we are given the opportunity to transform into a braver, less naive version of ourselves. Disappointment can be a powerful turning point, forcing you to take decisive action so that with your head held high, and with a heroic heart, you set your circumstances, and your destiny, on the right track.

Forgive to be allowed to forget, and to move on freely

However, nobody can deny that almost every disappointment is eventually forgotten (and processed), even if it first has to go through the filter of forgiveness. When we give the stored pain enough (breathing) space inwardly, it will – naturally – resolve itself, and you will – sooner or later – come out of this initially indigestible experience strengthened and purified. The crux in this is acceptance, learning to let go, and living forward, from the lessons of your former suffering.

Anyone who is confronted with setbacks – solid disappointment in any way – would do well to fully support and embrace themselves. Air your heart, and cry – if necessary – even out (not directed against anyone, but more as a pure expression of energetic frozen emotions). Find (other) friends, to convince yourself that putting trust – in people – despite everything, is still worthwhile, and justified. Turn your attention, and mind, to alternative activities, and take the opportunity to get to know yourself better. Discover what you are capable of, and understand – deep inside – that each phase, and each stage, has (or carries within it) its own momentum, and resolution.

Allow yourself the grace of forgiveness, out of concern for your own intimate well-being. Disappointments weigh heavily on everyone’s board, but they offer us—nevertheless—the most human side of our mistakes, so that we can truly learn from the past.