The Main Cause Of Quarrels

One never listens, the other immediately starts screaming. Both blame each other without arguing for it. The main cause of quarrels is almost always the same. This is especially so when it leads to an aggravation of senseless conflict full of pride and contempt. We are, of course, talking about a lack of empathy.

The superficial cause of quarrels

Let’s think about the last time we got into a heated argument. Usually this kind of thing originates in differences between yourself and the other, criticism or a personal attack. Everyone wants to defend their own truth. We want the other person to see the problem from our perspective and see that they are wrong. Their position is flawed or simply unfair.

Moreover, we often run into something else: we get on the defensive. Our shield unfolds and tries to protect us, but at the same time lashes out. In the media, we often see this happening within romantic relationships. It concerns the kind of fights where one or both partners accuse the other or each other of something. One hides behind the victim role, but in the meantime gives one punch after the other below the belt.

These conflicts would be much easier to resolve if we more skillfully execute that magic word, empathy. Just trying to keep in mind and understand the reality of the other person would lend some humanity to the conflict. This often makes it more useful (you learn something from it). However, many of us make the same mistake over and over again. We are overcome by our emotions that occupy our critical capacity, paralyze our senses and create enormous distances.

The main cause of arguments: a lack of empathy and understanding

We all want to be understood. However, the moment someone questions us, criticizes us or disputes our ‘truth’, we see it as a threat. Anger often follows shortly after. This is an obvious imbalance in our emotional homeostasis that means it doesn’t take long for a fight to break out.

Let’s take a look at the less scientific but more popular approach to arguing. One of these is the classic,  How to Win an Argument . We approach our disagreements and quarrels as if they were battlefields. There must always be a winner and a loser. It is high time we change this.

The most common cause of arguments is not because the world is full of narcissists. It is often difficult to talk to these people and do not withdraw easily when it comes to arguing. These people may exist, but not everyone is like that. The main reason for arguing is our lack of understanding of others and the absence of real, practical and useful empathy.

Empathy as a starting point

From the moment we begin to understand the other person and get to know their reality, we are better able to forgive. We surrender ourselves to the reciprocity that will lead us to enriching agreements.

You may very well think that this only applies to well-intentioned fights. That may be true, because in everyday life many quarrels stem from dishonesty or a real transgression. Even in these situations, however, it is advisable to put yourself in the position of the other. You may find it’s not worth arguing. Maybe it’s a big waste of time.

In any case, empathy is the best starting point. Seeing, feeling and figuring out the other and then acting on this is the best thing you can do.

How to reach an agreement

We know that the main cause of arguments is a lack of empathy (or misuse). So how can we build our empathy to avoid awkward, painful situations? How do we come to an agreement? Try these strategies:

• When we disagree with someone else, we have to ask ourselves  why we feel this way. Dig a little deeper. Think harder about the comment that is bothering you. Is it an unfair attack or does it have a kernel of truth that you simply don’t want to accept?
• Once we’ve defined our emotional reality and know why we’re uncomfortable, it’s time to do the same with the other person. Make an effort to put yourself in their shoes. Feel, understand and explore their thoughts. Are they insecure and that’s why they attack me? Are they upset about something I’ve done in the past that they’re still not over? Are they doing this because they are afraid of losing me, or because I need a wake-up call?

• The third step is to reach a compromise. Instead of getting carried away by your emotions, choose to control them. Base your compromise on understanding, don’t put the blame on the other person,  and don’t stir up old arguments. Avoid further confrontation, so avoid language and actions (pointing fingers, raising voices, etc.) that go with it.

Calm ourselves down

We must be able to calm ourselves. In addition, we must learn to empathize with the other person — and that we are willing to come to an agreement. After all, this will undermine the main cause of quarrels.

This is of course easier said than done. It takes time and demands intensive ‘internal’ work. Nevertheless, doing this will eventually allow us to enjoy our relationships more.