Good Parenting: A Wonderful But Oh So Difficult Task

Raising our children in the right way is a very difficult, but at the same time very beautiful task. What we teach our children will determine their future and their essential socio-emotional skills, which are strongly linked to their rational skills.

The first thing to keep in mind in this sentence is that it is impossible to distinguish reason from emotion or, as we often say, the mind from the heart. This dichotomy does not obey our reality, for we are one and as such we accomplish our growth and our life.

This applies both to the children and teenagers we want to raise and to us as educators (mothers, fathers, professionals, therapists, aunts, uncles, teachers, grandparents, etc.). In other words,  if we want to create well-being, we must experience it yourself for the first time.

We must realize that we are raising from our emotions. If things are not going well in our lives, we will not be able to educate properly. For example, we will not succeed in transmitting calmness and motivation to our children if we experience a lot of stress and frustration ourselves.

10 basic principles for a good parenting

Education is mainly based on our example. To formulate this differently: without clay no stones and without cement no building. In this sense, education is a matter of teamwork with all those people around our children.

Based on the principles put forth by Laurence Steinberg, we have made a selection of 10 basic elements that will help us raise our children in the best possible way. Let’s take a closer look at these:

1. What we do MATTERS

We have to think before we act.  Of course we all understand that we can’t always pick the best time to do something, sometimes things just don’t go smoothly and there are annoyances. Still, this shouldn’t stop us from wanting to do the best we can. Therefore keep in mind that:

• Genes aren’t everything. Education and the environment are important resources for our development.
• Children learn through observation. We must act as examples.
• We need to control outside influences early and positively.
• Learning from mistakes is essential for a good education.

2. You can never show too much affection

If a five-month-old baby cries, he may be hungry or want to be close to his parents. We must let our affection flow, we must never hold it back; this is how we transmit love to our children. Excessive affection does not coddle our children; however, if we show them this after they have shown negative or bad behavior, then we will.

However, it is good to think about this matter for a moment. It is not good to condone laziness when it comes to homework, but it is good to support a child when he has understood the lesson that comes from not doing the homework. In addition, it is important that we realize that:

• It is good to show physical affection, i.e. hugs, kisses, pats on the back, loving looks…

• We should praise our children appropriately for their achievements. If you want to read more about this, you can do so here.
• We must be willing to recognize and respond to our children’s emotional needs.
• We must provide a safe environment in which the child can feel our support.

3. We must be involved in our children’s lives

It is extremely important that we show an interest in our children’s motivations, interests and preferences.  It is therefore important that we are involved in their school and that we avoid the role of the critical and strict parent as much as possible.

4. We must adapt our parenting methods to the child

Every child has his own rhythm and it is therefore of the utmost importance that we respect this. We often struggle to adjust our children’s temperaments to the way we raise them, losing sight of the one truth that matters in this process: EVERY CHILD IS UNIQUE. We must be patient and respect their transition periods.

5. The importance of setting standards and setting boundaries

No, not everything is allowed. Children need norms and boundaries that guide them and that teach them about limitations and what prohibited actions there are. We must be strict and approach this fairly, always ensuring balance and consistency.

Likewise, it is essential that there is supervision and that we remain attentive to what our children are doing so that we can think about it and gradually loosen up the rules as our little ones get older.

6. It is important to encourage their independence

Doing your best to always discuss things positively with your child is extremely important. We cannot control every detail of their lives; we must therefore let them choose for themselves and learn that they have the option of being autonomous. The motto is: let us protect when necessary, but allow when we can.

7. We must be consistent

Being consistent, maintaining certain routines, establishing a common goal, not being inflexible, and helping our children identify the non-negotiable norms helps us maintain balance and promote understanding and acceptance of the norms in our children to improve.

8. It is better to avoid severe punishment

Corporal punishment is counterproductive and harmful. It means that we treat the child badly and disrespectfully, which in no way contributes to promoting the above-mentioned balance. There is a question that often opens the eyes of adults: How are we going to teach our children not to hit others when we hit them when they do something wrong? Even a small tap is not positive.

We must therefore learn to control our anger. Uncontrolled reprimands are also ineffective. If your child does something wrong, send him to his room, force him to make good the damage, limit or take away his privileges (toys, playing outside, watching television etc.)

9. Explain our rules and decisions

Another very important thing is that we explain to our children the rules and decisions we make and that we always do so in a clear way. We must be sure that our explanation is complete. This will help ensure that the child has understood and can apply it.

The well-known ‘because I say so’ our children will not understand, nor will it help us to acknowledge our mistakes and listen to our children’s point of view. Explanation, understanding and feeling will give them the idea that their feelings and opinions matter, contributing to their nascent autonomy and emotional independence.

10. Treating Our Children With Respect

We must treat our children with respect so that they themselves will be able to act respectfully. Talk to them sincerely, listen to them and give them the opportunity to show what they think and feel, to make them act and do what they can for their age etc. Children treat others just like we treat them and it will be our lesson they spread.