Be Assertive And Say What’s Bothering You Before It’s Too Late

The most appropriate time to indicate that something is bothering you, that something is overpowering and hurting you, is now. Only now will you be able to say it assertively and in your best words, before it becomes too much for you and you end up throwing it all out in a way that you really don’t support.

Some think that using the necessary assertiveness is difficult or even selfish. However, being assertive without hurting others is the most effective approach to defending your personal and emotional rights. We do this by simultaneously knowing how to remain respectful of the person facing us.

One aspect that deserves attention, and which can also be found in the articles in the newspaper The Guardian,  is the need to receive a healthy dose of assertiveness from school. An assertive child, an assertive student or adult, is a freer, more respectful, and happier person.

Saying what’s bothering me: a matter of personal dignity

Your dignity should always be more important than the fear of disappointing others, even though they may have different expectations of you.

Conducting yourself assertively is part of having a good sense of self. It is the decisive but respectful ability to assert yourself in the complex social contexts in which we live today. It should also be clear that we cannot behave aggressively by claiming our rights as if we were living in the jungle. The key is balance, respect and knowing how.

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The need to be liked by everyone

There is no greater source of stress and personal distress than the need to be liked by everyone and to live up to what the rest of us expect. This is not a healthy practice. The personal exhaustion it brings is enormous.

There is definitely a constant need for approval behind this type of tactic. It also means that we believe in the misconception that “what others think of us is more important than what we think of ourselves.”

The first rule of self-esteem tells us that we must first accept ourselves before we can even count on the acceptance of others. This means that we must be brave enough to make certain decisions:

• The knot that binds you to people who don’t accept how you feel and view things.
• The courage to cut the knot that binds you to the need for approval and complacency. Dare to think for yourself and accept that others don’t have to share your view of the world or your way of understanding.
• Also dare to cut that knot that makes you passive and afraid of what others will say.

How to express your feelings assertively

If something bothers us but we don’t express it, it creates an annoyance. And if we bottle up one annoyance after another, we will eventually get sick of our own poisoning. So if we choose to act at the last minute, when we are already full of anger and frustration, it will be very confusing for others to discover what we have been bottled up in silence all this time.

Assertiveness is the compass of self-esteem. It is the voice that gives us dignity and defends our rights. It is therefore vital that we develop the right strategies to integrate it into our behavior:

These would be some basic guidelines:

• Verbs like ‘I want’, ‘I like’ and ‘I feel’ should be part of your everyday language. Become aware of the emotion or feelings that arise each time you use these words.

• If you’re in a confusing situation, don’t just ignore it. If something bothers you, is perceived as worrying or makes you anxious, try to clarify this ‘at the moment’.
• Recognize the positive sides of others. Reinforce behaviors of others that enrich you and that you consider positive or that, as Kant would say, represent a “universal project.”
• When you find yourself in a situation that fills you with anger or rage, take a breath, take a deep breath, and articulate any feeling you experience by appropriately using statements such as “I’m upset because… ‘ or ‘I am offended because…’
• Do not reprove others too much and do not turn to irony or contempt. Talk about your rights and needs, listen to others and don’t be afraid to defend yourself. Respect yourself the same way you respect others. Be smart, be dignified.

Assertiveness is the weapon of intelligence and personal protection. If you use it wisely, it is the best energy to feed our self-esteem.