Don’t Try To Change Me

Love me as I am, free, sometimes messy, sassy, ​​sometimes chaotic, imperfect and always brilliant. Don’t ask me to be good, nor submissive or quiet. Don’t try to change me. Let’s not dream of a fairytale love, but also let’s not erase those little details that make you and me unique. If that’s how you want it, you better let me go, take me back to my world, to the currents in my river, to my nourishing solitude, to my roots…

Benjamin Franklin wisely said that three things are exceedingly indestructible: steel, a diamond, and self-knowledge. Obviously, such a task is not easy, immersing ourselves in the ocean of our insecurities, our fears, worries, virtues and imperfections requires a craftsman who is not only patient, but also brave.

However, there are some things that are just as valuable as defining yourself, such as seeking personal space and self-knowledge to stay true to ourselves. This is the only way we can build strong social bonds and create a life that is fair and consistent with our worth, where our behavior and thoughts are always exactly the same.

That said, there is something we should keep in mind. Not long ago, the doctor Yi Nan Wang, a renowned psychologist who researches personality psychology, stated in one of her articles that many couples “dilute” a part of themselves in order to achieve greater harmony with their loved one; a desire for understanding that turns into obedience and prioritizing the needs of the other while pushing our own needs into the background.

Doctor Wang therefore proposes that we learn to develop what she calls ‘balanced authenticity’. This is a concept based on Erikson’s stages of psychosocial development, in which all mutually satisfying relationships first go through a stage where each person has been able to define his/her identity.

We need to put healthy authenticity into practice

You may have been good-natured, easy to manipulate, and complacent in the past… Most of us have been this way at some point because we were raised that way, because others wanted it that way. This naturally made us easier to deal with, easier to control; we were good at adapting ourselves to the gears of our society, where having one’s own voice is often a bit too bold.

All this causes us to have some fear or hesitation in showing our authentic selves. For that reason, even though we knew full well that those thoughts, voices, and feelings are essential to our well-being, we said to ourselves, “No, it’s better that they don’t see me, that they don’t hear me, that I don’t a lot of attention’. We have to be rejected by others, we have to contradict others, hurt their feelings, break the mold they pushed us into…

But where is our image of ourselves or our identity now? It’s on strike. We become our own worst emotional enemy when we cannot practice healthy authenticity. We fall victim to our own naivety into thinking that by being authentic we can harm those around us, even if this isn’t true.

It was Aristotle who once said that the healthiest authenticity must come from what he calls the “golden mean”, where honesty should not cause harm or rejection, if we are really honest.

Don’t try to change me, love me with my color, with my brightness and my darkness

Doctor Yi Nan Wang of Beijing Pedagogical University recently created a fascinating scale called ‘AIRS’ (Authenticity in Relationships Scale) , which aims to measure the level of authenticity of a couple’s relationship. A conclusion was that one of the keys to social well-being is that people are able to practice fairness as we pointed out earlier and that in that authentic identity we do not put our own identity on hold, nor do we let others put this on.

The nine propositions that make up the ‘AIRS’ are the following. To test yourself, answer each of the statements with a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’:

1. I always hide my true thoughts because of the fear of disapproval from others.
2. I like to serve others.
3. I dare not tell others the truth so as not to hurt their feelings.
4. I am well aware that I must be true to myself.
5. I always find ways to compromise between my needs and those of others.
6. I would never want to pretend otherwise and I would never allow anyone to force me to do so.
7. I generally tell the truth without worrying about how others will react to me.
8. I give priority to myself, the feelings of others are not important.
9. I almost always insult people when I speak honestly.

How to find your score on the AIRS

I’m sure you already have a bit of an idea about how you scored on the scale. However, here it is measured in three sections:

• Statements 1-3 represent a distorted authenticity , where we tend to push our own feelings and identity into the background for the sake of others.
• Statements 4-6 represent a balanced authenticity or the ability to express ourselves freely and respectfully, taking our own needs into account as much as those of others.
• Statements 7-9 represent a selfish authenticity or the extreme tendency to be selfish or aggressive in prioritizing ourselves, to the point where we hurt or offend others.

In short, just as we have seen in relationships with our partner, we must be able to practice a balanced authenticity where honesty is matched with respect, freedom with being together, and self-esteem with the growth of the relationship. In practice, it is about something that we must practice in all aspects of our lives, where it is important that we are neither good nor submissive, but rather brilliant, full of character, unique and – of course – wonderful.