How To Ease The Pain Of Disappointment

We’ve all trusted someone who ended up hurting us. After this event, we have certainly said that we will not ‘fall in’ again. And when we said this, we weren’t just talking about disappointments in love, but about any kind of disappointment.

Whatever the case, it is normal that a deep disappointment also leaves us with a deep wound that will take a long time to heal. A wound that generally erodes the trust we have in others, which is arguably one of the hardest things to mend.

Protect yourself from disappointment: the raincoat effect

After experiencing disappointment, we often close the doors to new experiences. At least that way we can’t get hurt again. As a result, many people choose to stop being attached to another person, believing that they minimize the risk of being hurt again.

Psychologists call this choice the “raincoat effect.” This can happen when we have given the best of ourselves to our partner and it has repaid us by cheating on us with another, when we have been completely honest with a friend and they stabbed us in the back, or when we have been abandoned by our parents or relatives. Perhaps your situation was slightly different, but unfortunately you have certainly experienced a similar feeling.

There is a popular saying that goes, “Become wise through trial and error,” and something similar can be applied to this raincoat effect. To compare the two, the harm and the shame would be the disappointment and you are the one who has become wiser and who will not be disappointed again. By no one. Even if it is a completely different person than the one who hurt you, you have not forgotten the damage and shame of the painful incident.

So what exactly is this ‘raincoat effect’ all about? When we interact with someone, expectations begin to form and increase. We begin to predict how the other person will behave, what he will think and what he will feel.

Our expectations may be based in part on what we already know, on information we have shared with the other person. Another part could be based on what we’ve heard about the other. And yet another part could simply be based on our idealization and our desires. The fact is that we mix our wishes and reality.

If our expectations are too high or if the other person does not meet our ‘implicit obligations’, we feel disappointed, frustrated, sad and even angry. This is completely normal. However, we should try not to let these expectations hurt us or we might try to adjust ourselves to what the other person really gives us.

But the disappointments we experience are not always the result of our idea of ​​the ‘perfect’ partner, friend or colleague. Disappointment can also arise because someone treats us badly and does things that cause us distress. In that case, we can experience feelings such as resentment and anger, in addition to the feelings we mentioned earlier (frustration, sadness, disappointment and anger).

And then what happens? Then we put on our raincoat to avoid getting wet, even when it’s completely dry outside. This means that when a new person comes into our lives, we are so afraid of getting hurt that we don’t open up enough to let them in.

Some people we might say don’t put on a raincoat, but a whole suit of armor, you know, like the knights had in the Middle Ages. This all depends on how much we have suffered and how difficult it has been for us to get over that situation.

The dangers of the raincoat effect

We feel safe under this layer, as if nothing bad can happen to us. However, we run the risk of missing out on very nice experiences. If we put on our raincoat and it’s not raining, we can’t enjoy the warmth of the sun on our skin, for example.

By protecting ourselves too much with this impenetrable coat, we cannot grow as humans. It is true that when faced with disappointment or betrayal, we do not initially want to meet new people or enter the world, but it is crucial that we gradually overcome this phase.

We will achieve nothing positive if we lock ourselves in our inner world and deny everyone access to our ‘safe haven’.

Another thing that happens when we lock the doors and windows of our house (our heart) is that the people around us will distance themselves from us. We’ll think they’ve abandoned us or they’re all bastards. However, it will be our own barrier that will push the people we love and care about miles away from us.

No one says it’s easy to overcome disappointment, especially disappointment in love, but it’s critical that we take off our raincoat when there’s no sign of storm outside so we can enjoy the breeze and sunlight on a bright day.