I’ll Think Of You Till It Hurts No More

I’m sorry, you weren’t the one for me.

You were not my inspiration. My forever and ever.

You weren’t the one who brought out the best in me, from the deepest and darkest corners of my soul. You weren’t the one who grabbed my hand and took me to stargazing at night.

It just wasn’t you… But maybe that’s what you wanted.

I fall asleep, thinking of that beautiful sky full of stars. I rise from my bed and fly past you and me, past the memories.

Tomorrow there’s another day.

This bed is so empty. So big. So spacious. And worst of all, it’s always been this way, whether you were lying next to me or not.

I do my best to get out of bed in such a way that I don’t have to see the empty space next to me while doing this.

The smell of coffee wafts through the kitchen. It smells wonderful and seems to somehow confront me.

I’m trying to retrieve the memories. I can’t even remember clearly. Thousands of images flash through my head: a kiss on my neck. the haze. I’m starting to remember…

You weren’t the one who called me beautiful every morning or made me laugh when I had to yawn.

You weren’t the one who trusted me. He said it would last forever. He said he would be there for me. You weren’t the one who brought light to my life for thousands of days by simply smiling at me.

But I didn’t ask you for these things either.

You were never my bet. My challenge. My fight.

Maybe I was the one who didn’t want to fight for us.

And I’m sorry.

I put sugar in my coffee for some reason. Normally I like strong coffee. Maybe today I need some kind of compromise, some kind of treat. Memories can really let you down. I sit back and wait for my coffee to cool.

I think and close my eyes. I never manage to remember warmth. Just the cold.

You weren’t the one who made us shake the bed together every night. Regardless of the color of the bags under our eyes or how tired we were.

You weren’t the one pushing me to the curb when it started to rain so I could enjoy nature and be a part of its wonderful scent and feelings.

hate me. Insult me. This would probably be the most emotional thing that has come out of you in all that time. Do something that is disastrously emotional. Do something to stir your cold heart. The cold heart that froze this relationship.

And so there were two of us, instead of one. Maybe that was our mistake. Now is not the time to look back and ask ourselves whose fault it all is. And I’m sure it wasn’t my fault. So, I’m sorry, but you weren’t the one.

I take a sip of coffee. It’s tasty, not so bitter. I taste the coffee and am reminded of… the taste of nothing. The taste of disillusionment, disillusionment and routine.

A maelstrom of noise. People, drinks. More people and more drinks. Until the body reaches its limit and we fall asleep without thinking about anything. Without thinking about you and me, or us.

The fact is that a hangover in company feels less like a real hangover. Maybe that’s why we lasted so long together. Who knows?

My coffee is almost finished, maybe another big sip or two small ones. And that’s what it all comes down to in the end: choices… And I don’t know what to do with my coffee. I never knew that.

Maybe I should just throw it on the floor and let my cup break into a thousand pieces. Later I’ll pick up the shards and sweep up the coffee.

You weren’t the one who made me happy and who made me daydream. You weren’t my favorite place to be.

You were no reason for me to go home and disappear off the face of the earth for hours on end.

Sorry. Choosing has never really been my thing. I’ll have another cup of coffee tomorrow. And while I do this I will think of you, until it hurts no more.

You save the memories from now on, because there is no place for them in my heart anymore. Deep down, we always knew. I was never me and you were never you.