When People Say ‘I Know How You Feel’

When someone says something to you like “I know how you feel,” it seems like a kind and compassionate gesture. However, from a psychological point of view, this is not always the best comment to make.

In reality, you can never really fully understand what another person is going through. It is often therefore better to just listen and let the other know that you support them.

One of the reasons this comment can be problematic is because you often don’t even know or understand exactly what you’re feeling. So if someone almost casually throws out that they know exactly what you’re going through, this isn’t really appropriate. Most people are not therapists or experts in psychology.

You will most likely experience this with those closest to you. For example, parents often use this comment to talk to their children. However, by saying “I know how you feel” to a child, you are not giving him the space to tell you in his own words exactly what he is going through.

Never forget that every person is unique and lives in their own universe. This universe can be chaotic. There may be planets hurtling in all directions and tiny black holes that no one else can see.

When people say: ‘I know how you feel’, this is often not the case

Unfortunately, most of us have a bad habit of taking things instead of asking. We do this because it requires less cognitive effort and can sometimes even save us some time. It’s much easier to assume you know something based on the information you already have.

For example, imagine a coworker telling you that she had a bad day with her partner. You’re probably tempted to say, “I know exactly how you feel.”

This may give you the feeling that you are showing compassion and connecting with your co-worker. In fact, however, this is not the case. We often tend to forget that another person’s emotional box will never be the same as our own.

Also, in situations like this, it’s not all that compassionate to tell the other person that you know how she feels. Instead of acknowledging and validating the other person’s feelings, you only validate your own feelings. And this is of course not of much use to your colleague.

We are naturally inclined to connect with others, but we don’t always know how

While researching for a study at the University of Virginia, Drs. Lane Beckes and James A. Coan to a very interesting discovery.

They discovered that the human brain has a series of neural patterns that are solely aimed at making connections with other people. Because of this, we sometimes have such a strong bond with others that we can really feel their suffering.

However, feeling what another is feeling does not always enable us to fully understand their reality as well. A mother can suffer for her child without really knowing what is wrong with him.

A friend may feel your pain without understanding exactly what you are going through. That’s why it’s so important to know how to connect with another person in an appropriate and respectful way.

What is the best way to connect with someone who is having a hard time?

Whether it’s a child, a teenager, your best friend, or a stranger, try to avoid comments like “I know how you feel. ” Try not to assume that two people going through the same situation will necessarily experience the same emotions.

Let’s give an example. drs. Klaus R. Scherer and Agnes Moors of the University of Geneva conducted an interesting experiment. They asked 3,000 adults the same question: How would you feel if you heard two friends gossiping about you negatively?

Surprisingly, the researchers identified up to 14 different types of emotional responses to that statement. Some people said they would be angry.

Others would be ashamed and disappointed. Some would feel guilty, others said they would feel lonely, and some even said they wouldn’t care because anyone who would gossip about them behind their back simply couldn’t be a true friend.

Given the wide range of possible emotional reactions to this simple scenario alone, a comment like “I know how you feel” seems less and less appropriate. However, how can we respond even more?

The important thing is to know how to really listen. Then remember that certain words and comments can make the other person build a wall.

What you can do

• Try not to say things like “That’s nothing,” “I’ve been through it, I think you’re exaggerating a bit,” “This always happens to you,” “Try to focus on something else,” etc.
• Instead of “I know how you feel,” say “Tell me how you feel.”
• It is not always easy to express what you feel. Emotions are complex and chaotic. Accepting and understanding emotions takes time. What a person really needs when confronted with all these emotions is support and security.

Sometimes it is enough to simply say: ‘I am here for you’. Ultimately, your goal should be to be present and available. Try to create a sense of security and intimacy where nothing is assumed and no one judges another person or their feelings.